My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
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(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m crying im so happy for them
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools