My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
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No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I did not eat the cake…
Your secret is safeish with me
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??