there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
*seductively eats two tums*
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.