When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 馃ぃ馃槀
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Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I鈥檒l try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren鈥檛 designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That鈥檚 not the entire expression?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don鈥檛 tell me I鈥檓 not allowed to have a favorite child.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i鈥檝e destroyed it now
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Twister but it鈥檚 just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people鈥攖hat life鈥檚 not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I鈥檇 say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
If you鈥檝e never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I鈥檓 about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
At least he tried.. twice.. 馃槄
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?