ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*Seductively hides in the woods
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”