i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
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Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT