If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
me and the Superbowl rn
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters