If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Monica just destroyed the internet
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.