It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
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Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.