I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Hero horse inspires millions
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers