Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
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My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Breaking news:
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox