I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
The honesty is refreshing
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Beware of fowl play.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*