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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal