My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
this is me
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead