This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
A fake ID that makes you younger
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.