A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
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The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.