Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
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Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Labreador
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
6. me as a lawyer
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
we’re dead?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?