Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me hitting on a model
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I created you as mosquito food.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me: