Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I only eat vegetarians.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”