Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
it must be school picture day
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day