Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
May never get over this
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.