[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
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Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
All generalizations are stupid.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.