Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
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*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”