Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I see your IQ test came back negative
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
his wife is probably gonna see that
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’