the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.