DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing