Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
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[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.