I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
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Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
…..pretty much.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Traveler’s camo
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]