My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me trying to walk in a dream
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.