[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
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lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Batman v Dracula
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Room with a view.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.