Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
The old gods are rising again.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.