The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
BaD BoY!!
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.