*jingles half the way*
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”