10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
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I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
sir, my p芒t茅 if you please
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn鈥檛 make a sound, maybe that鈥檚 where your kid should be practicing the piano
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
*kidnapping Beyonc茅* got your Knowles
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 馃槀
Kids today don鈥檛 know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it鈥檚 a bad thing
Donating blood today to make room for more food
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
If I鈥檓 struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I鈥檒l meet someone who hasn鈥檛 heard my old jokes.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won鈥檛 die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees