Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
You Might Also Like
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools