I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
love it when they get my name right
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.