I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
2 years later
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”