“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*