If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Our lord and savoury.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
what’s really going on
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?