If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
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If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
my proudest tweet
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.