Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
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Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Cardio Made Easy
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.