Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
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*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.