Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.