foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
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[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
i spent way too long on this
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
nyc:
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.