Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
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I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
3% human
97% stress
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*