My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
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We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.