The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
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Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.