5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Not😆🤣
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’