Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
You Might Also Like
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*