I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
You Might Also Like
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Good news
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous